gizmometer

Toby smash.

2012-05-19T16:58:03Z

So I've written before about the random strangers asking about my body like they own the place. I am even performing tonight a piece based on my more eloquent essay on same.

Usually I get frustrated, tired, withdrawn, resigned, whatever it is, not so much angry. This time I got caught on a tense morning on my way to the farmers' market, just hoping for a little fresh food and some sunlight, and maybe to not stress out about my performance tonight, personal issues, other stuff, y'know, stressors. Just peace. Nope. There was some woman standing next to me, waiting in a line. With no preamble, no hello, no introduction, I get a "What happened to you?!"

She did not get the "nice" response. She got the angry, as reined in as possible but still: NOTHING HAPPENED. NOTHING HAPPENED, THIS IS MY LIFE, I AM SO TIRED OF PEOPLE LIKE YOU ASKING QUESTIONS LIKE THIS. And then I went away.

And in the crosswalk I passed a girl my age with crutches like mine, moving a little more slowly, but we made eye contact, and smiled, real smiles, and it was a more real social interaction than the verbal one before, and warmed my heart up a little.

The angry part is still looping in my head though. Like it's finally just been enough, enough people, every damn day, enough enough enough. Who do you think you ARE, behaving like this. You are not some special fucking snowflake, you do not own my body just because you can see it. You did not say hello. You did not perform even one iota of the social contract or give the slightest headnod to standard niceties. Not "hello", not an introduction, not even "excuse me" or "isn't it nice out today". No eye contact; I was not interested in engaging and it was in my body posture. Not even that. NOTHING. And then to ask me about my body! To demand I tell you its history on the spot! For no given reason, for no purpose other than to satisfy YOU, total stranger.

WITH, I might add, the framework of trauma! What HAPPENED to me?! Because I couldn't be born this way, I couldn't have included crutches as part of my "normal" life and existence, they couldn't be a simple therapeutic choice. Something had to have gone wrong, badly wrong. No. But if something HAD happened, why the HELL would I want to tell you about it? Yes, lady, random fucking stranger lady who justifies her question by saying she hopes I haven't had a hip replacement so young. Yes, I would love to tell you about the time I was shot, beaten, or run over; the time my parachute failed, or my brakes gave out, or the floor fell in; the time my car was t-boned; the disaster that leveled our house; the time I had given up on life and tried to end it; the way I woke up in the hospital, the loved ones who died in the accident; the day I fell, the day I snapped my back, the day I ripped all the ligaments in my legs, the day I shattered my pelvis. That sounds like a TOTALLY AWESOME first conversation with a TOTAL STRANGER. It does not sound traumatic, triggering, unpleasant, awkward, or self-indulgently, selfishly, grossly voyeuristic of you AT ALL.

No wait, I am lying. It does, and it disgusts me. Even though that is not my personal story, that is what you are asking me for. Fucking THINK about that.

Which, incidentally, does not leave much room for myself and others whose narrative is not a specific trauma but something slow or innate.

And this is what happens when I leave my house and go amongst strangers. Almost every time. All the time. Constantly. Dozens. Hundreds. Of times. You are one of an inconsiderate mob. You are not special. You have no right. Stop. Now.

That is what I wanted to say to this woman.
Given that response, I think I did well, though no doubt she went home thinking how rude I'd been. Well, I went home thinking how rude SHE'D been, so, even. *sigh* Not my favourite outcome. Oh well. One failure in hundreds.

And tonight I get to perform another version of this story all over again. More politely, more coherently, more logically. But the same. And soon I am getting my chair, and I think, how much worse will it get?

At least I did get to go on to the market, and I got that smile, and I had a maple sugar cookie, and we sat in the sun and watched all the babies, puppies, and lesbians that make up our market, before we brought home the wine and the cheese and the bread that we bought. I will go on with my day now. I needed to get this out of my head, though. Now hopefully I can let it rest.

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Yarns!

2012-05-11T14:09:34Z

Am so glad I live this extra life here on the Internet - means that when I lost all my photos from the last year or two years I didn't lose all my project info and photos. Yay Flickr yay Ravelry! (Though if anyone can tell me how to mass download from Flickr so I possess them all again I'd appreciate it.)

Anyway!

The next Doctor Who yarn has been spun. (There are still quite a few characters left and I'm open to suggestion for more. For info, see this post.)
May I introduce to you Martha Jones:

Approx 300 yards, 6.85oz 4-ply sport weight.
Luxury fibers... like superfine merino, fine Tussah, baby camel, and BFL/silk which is basically my favourite thing. Was my first time with superfine merino and it's so luscious to spin. Sooo smooth. The camel is nice to touch but weird to spin - the staple length is so short, and the fibers are so straight, there's almost no grip to it, just fluff. Hard to draft. But doable! And the resulting yarn is sooooo soft.

As a palate cleanser (4 plies take a long time to spin and a lot of brainpower to manage when plying) I spun a wild neon riot grrl, or as Bran so appropriately pointed out, Delirium. ;) (Which would be ANOTHER fun spinning project, the Endless!) Corespun (which is why it's a bit kinky, heh), super bright neons that the photos don't do justice to. Romney wool, mostly, and some silk hankies.

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gizmometer @ 2012-05-08T16:38:00

2012-05-08T20:40:05Z

The day at the farm was indeed restorative. :)

I bought a new backup drive, my computer is now repopulated with files insofar as I could recover them from places, the medical supplier finally called me today and is ordering my chair, I finished the next Doctor Who yarn, and H is getting over his cold. Good, good.

The computer does seem to have come back to me with a nonfunctioning fan, which is a problem. And while the BB-gun hooligans were rounded up, our neighbourhood is still hoppin' - a truck exploded outside yesterday! But. Okay.

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Kvetching.

2012-05-05T20:38:25Z

( String of moderate stressors this past week... )

Nothing huge really. Nothing truly catastrophic. Just little bits of stress and downers with a side of pain. Some social drama too. Not too much gone wrong all at once, or too badly, just a continuous string, all week. This week is making me tired. Is it over yet?

Tomorrow I go out to the farm again (did you see the pictures?) to help with (or photograph or give encouragement for, anyway) shearing. There is a day-old babby lamb waiting there for snorgles. Hopefully that will be all good (and good weather to boot) and so function as a restorative. I'll also bring my picked & washed Icelandic lamb fleece with me to start carding, which is a good. Gotta get up early-early to get there in time but it'll be nice to be out there on the hill with the critters and nice ladies.

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Doubts

2012-04-17T21:00:33Z

I had my clinic appointment/assessment and have submitted preauthorisation paperwork to get a wheelchair. A custom chair to meet my needs: ultralightweight, rigid frame, dual camber, adjustible back supports, compatible should the need arise with motorised wheels. It would be extremely exciting. I am now waiting for Medicaid approval.

That's the part I'm scared about I guess. Approval. Sums it up well. And that's my ongoing life-issue, so not a surprise, I guess.

I wibblewobbled about the wheelchair idea for a while, at least as long as when I was initially considering a cane and then crutches. Strange how you process and then must process the same issues again, later. It was easier this time to arrive at the conclusion that a chair would be beneficial and might even be necessary, after the success of the crutches in improving my mobility and halting or at least easing the serious downspiral of my hip/leg/low back pain. But they came with downsides, too, which are why they're not the best solution. My hands and shoulders are much more of a mess. Lately, especially, nerve issues in my arms - tingling, pain, strange sensations of temperature. My upper back and ribs are not good. And my feet fall apart at the drop of a hat. Hip pain, too, is still present. So I am walking, still, but it is not good walking, much of the time.

The Medicaid criteria say that to qualify for a wheelchair you must need it for mobility within your house (that could not be achieved with cane or crutches) for ADLs (feeding, hygiene, dressing), or for travel to necessary doctor appointments. That's it. Not "ability to socialise outside the home" or even basic self-sufficiency needs like "groceries". I don't always meet these criteria. Within my home, distances are very small and bracketed by furniture. I get around okay most days, with some leaning. It's outside the home that's the problem. So in my paperwork, we had to try to argue about the "necessary medical appointments" angle, with mention of the sometimes unable to ambulate within the home. Which is true - some days I cry just trying to get out of bed, and we get me to the couch, and H brings me water and a toothbrush and food and etc. We're not sure how much weight the "walking, but shouldn't be" will hold. I'm worried too having just seen the story of Jess Elsen, an EDSer in a similar situation who is now trying to independently fundraise for her chair. (If you can help, her project is here.) It's not VT, but...

And a wee piece of conscience frets that my chances are worse, because her situation is "worse" - inasmuch as we can ever compare. She's at the "arthritis and surgeries" stage and I'm at "one surgery, no arthritis". (And that surgery seems to have been in vain: my chest is back, somehow, now what?!) Which plays into the whole nagging guilt thing that's been with me from the beginning. Maybe none of this that I experience is so bad. Maybe I just need to buck up. Maybe I'm just taking advantage. Maybe it's all in my head, some sort of self-pitying attention-seeking device. I'm fine, really. Right?

Except that I'm not, and I know subjectively (if not objectively; sometimes I really wish there were a laboratory test available to me) that I'm not. I know that right now I shouldn't be on the computer because sitting at the desk is dislocating my shoulders. (And because I somehow sunburnt half my arms yesterday, I can't tape.) I know how much I have hurt and how much I have fought to take care of myself. I know the consequences if I try to lift things or walk distances. I know that H does 90% of our cleaning, cooking, housework, etc (and I feel bad about that), and that sometimes he has to do even more. I know that I have skipped meals because I could not prepare them. Sometimes I have had to ask, crying, for H to cut my food for me, because my hands hurt too badly to push the knife. I know that. I know the dislocations. The ER trips. The years of PT. I know the bruises, the tachycardia, the exhaustion. And the crying and the fear and the pain.

But sometimes I still can't believe it. I worry that the gatekeepers - like the woman (I know she's a female PT; my wheelchair person knows her, which maybe will help?) who will be judging my preauthorisation application for the chair - will see through this. Because I can walk, mostly. Because I can work here and there. Because I have pursued dreams. Because I have, through both work and metabolic luck, kept myself physically strong, if unstable. Because I am able to be happy. Because I can get out of bed. Because I dance.

Because on some level, even I cannot understand how I can have the condition I have, can be affected in the ways I have experienced, but can still be a dancer.

Sometimes this disbelief manifests by making me think I'm not really a dancer; sometimes, like now, by making me think I can't really be a crip. With the former I'm a joke; with the latter I'm a liar.

You'd think doing physically integrated, adaptive dance would pop that bubble - would let me fuse the beliefs to know that I am a dis/abled dancer and that that is its own, valid thing. I may not be a dancer in the same ways a prima ballerina is a dancer, but I am a dancer; we make things for and from my body, and it is dis/abled. Really - though this might be the pain talking, I need to go take meds - I end up thinking I'm a joke and a liar, betraying and/or mocking both dance and crip communities. Blaming ableism (internalised, institutionalised, medicalised, legislated...) feels like a hollow excuse, like blame-shifting. Because obviously, I should just deal, and accept.

Which is true, except for what I'm really trying to accept, to deal with: not that I am a malingering mockery who needs to shut up and get back to normal but that I am both dis/abled and a dancer.

I have to stop typing now. I hurt. But that is what is on my brain. I am afraid of this process. But I am trying to be true to and take care of myself. It is hard. I am tired. I am afraid. I am going to go curl up with meds and water and my weighted blanket now.

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tools for the womb cyclers

2012-03-28T18:02:45Z

Warning. This post is pretty much entirely on the subject of menstruation. If the very idea makes you make gross-out faces, feel light-headed, or wish to make disparaging remarks about women's weaknesses, you might wanna find somewhere else on the Internet to hang out for the duration.

Okay. Disclaimer done.

I remember the first time I opened up a disposable pad to find myself exhorted to "have a happy period". I almost punched a hole in the wall. How does one have a "happy period"? Certainly not by waddling around with thick, chafing, bleached-and-processed, bulky, terrible, wasteful, expensive, stigmatised bullshit stuck between your legs while you double over in misery and pain - or with a wad of same shoved up inside fucking up your internal chemistries. And that was pretty much my entire paradigm for menstruation for ages.

These days though I have found my way to happier-periods-through-consumerism. Tool use, everyone. Tools for better periods. So let us talk about the happy things you can acquire with your happy consumer dollars (or make yourself!) to help make things better for your "lady" parts, your wallet, your local landfill, and your psyche. (Honestly. This is the roundup of stuff I wish someone had given me when I started, and which I heartily recommend to anyone else who goes through menstruation.) It addresses comfort, cleanliness, and cheer, all three!

( on to the product placement )

So that's the list. If I ever have a child with a uterus, whatever hir gender, when ze starts cycling, I will definitely be putting together a rad, body-friendly, fun, sustainable kit like this, obviously modified for any other awesome advancements made since now. Plus some chocolate in it. And a calendar journal, so ze can learn hir body's ways. Also some flowers, maybe. And a knit uterus on top :P Because while menstruation is not the world's most enjoyable process, it doesn't have to be a thing of filthy shame, and there are ways to make it better and more comfortable even if you have no options for altering the basic physical process. When I "became a woman" (ugh, that phrase) all I had was a plastic baggie from 5th grade health class with a monstrously huge disposable pad, an advertising flyer, and I think a deodorant sample. Not the way to go. This is a lot better.

There you have it, a gizmometer's guide to menstruating in relative comfort.

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Stuff I Make

2012-03-27T14:41:05Z

Some spiffy new things up for sale since last time I posted about the shop :) (Not much else for news right now, honestly.)

Another rainbow gradient!
This one's merino/silk, ~188yds, worsted weight. Super bright, super happy, super soft, great sheen too.

Whispering Sea shawl
Hand spun, hand knit, original design. Mohair-a-palooza. Spun thick/thin for the body, and corespun for the edge; the grey lace mohair is actually a commercial yarn, not a handspun, so this isn't a 100% handspun project. Green and blue glass beads in the lace section. This is a really lovely piece with gently undulating colours and textures; it's like the sea, except warm and fuzzy.

Cosmos, lace gradient
Polwarth/silk 85/15, 520yds, 5oz. Light fingering weight, great for lace. Gradient! Goes from pink to turquoise to black. Handspun, 2-ply.

Circus Car
A fun one :) Handspun art yarn. Red merino with golden yellow Wensleydale locks, against tonal sky blue BFL. Bulky. Riotous. 45yds, 2.35oz.

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things I make

2012-02-17T20:04:02Z

various available in the shop, including a spiffy spiffy rainbow gradient. check 'em out!

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this is my body, dammit

2012-02-10T22:07:55Z

This morning I taught my second class with the VSA's Self-Advocacy Theatre program. For this semester it's also my last - I just did a two-class guest-spot bringing in movement techniques, and of course the dis/abled teacher perspective, always good to role model. I had a great time! It was a bit scary - I haven't taught movement before, nor have I taught in a cognitive/developmental dis/ability environment before, so I was nervous about planning my lessons so the group would get the most out of them, and being able to guide students appropriately. It went really well though I think. They're great kids and they really got engaged, each to the extent of their abilities. There was a wide range of age and disability - from 14 year olds to recent highschool graduates doing an extra year in the transition program, and disabilities ranging from more minor-seeming focus/direction-parsing issues without physical/motor components to students who were unable to initiate movement and/or communication independently. So that was a challenge, to find activities that would engage them all at an appropriate level, without leaving anyone out. But they were lovely kids, with such great energy, and the preliminary feedback I have is that it went well. I tried to pick activities that had clear, concrete instructions that could nevertheless lead to more abstract or varied interpretation if the student was up to it. I led them through some acting/movement combos (miming, basically, which bridged to what they'd already been working on), some individual movements, and some coordinated group items. I tried to let them generate movements naturally from their bodies and find their own ways to express themselves and coordinate when in groups/pairs, then observe & discuss the results. There was some chaos, but I think I was largely able to keep the group on-task and engaged, redirecting from the distractions. And even the shyest, stillest, most reticent students did engage, and move a little, and smile.

I am happy. And proud.

We went downtown this afternoon, and while we were out walking (H & I), enjoying the balmy weather, the sun, each other's company, we passed by a random guy. He didn't say hello, stop us, or even make eye contact, but he turned with us as we passed by and called out to me, "I hope you feel better soon, ma'am."

I say this because I want you to know that it happens, and that it is so not okay.

I am not sick. (I had the flu a couple weeks back, but I don't now!) I was happy and feeling well. I was getting fresh air and good exercise in the company of my sweetheart. Pain was present, but not so much as it'd show to the uninitiated. I am, somewhat to my surprise, a successful artist and educator, if on a small scale. And some stranger thinks I should be wished better from this. Without knowing anything about me. Thinks that because I use crutches, I am hurt, ill, suffering, pitiable. That I am broken. Well, I am here to say that I am not and I am tired of combating this belief. (Do I have pain? Do I get sick? Does it suck when that happens? Yes. Was that today? No. Do the crutches indicate a thing that is bad or wrong? Emphatically, no.) It was incredibly damaging to me in the first twenty-odd years of my life and it takes a lot of effort even now to shake it off. And from strangers on the street, no less, in passing, someone I wouldn't know from Adam, as it were, just heckling. Judging my body.

This is my body, and it is not broken.

I've talked a bit before about how hard it is to respond to interactions like this, and how frustrating it is. You can read about that here ("Unpacking Questions", also applies to statements and patronising well-wishes) if you missed it first time. But in the spirit of such instances, I wanted to share another piece with you.

In the lesson plan for today, the class's regular teacher and I wanted to bring in overt discussion of dis/ability, which the kids don't actually do very often (somewhat to my surprise, since they're grouped together by virtue of their IEPs in order to learn how to transition into a world without that kind of support; the whole thing is founded on disability (I think all students should get classes on self-care and transitions, but that's a post for another time)). They had been asked, earlier in their bridging program (as it's called) to write about what they know about their disability/ies and how that factors into their lives & self-concepts. One student wrote a particularly eloquent piece and the thought was he could share it with the group to kick off discussion. Ideally this would have come out of our sharing our individual, self-generated movement phrases with the group, going from performing & viewing diversity to talking about it. But, working through the elements of the movement activity and coordinating them between students ended up taking the whole class time, so we didn't quite get there; after we talked about the different movements we'd seen, I just said a few words about the value of difference and how movement/performance can come from who we are, and our different bodies, personalities, and abilities.

I had written up what I wanted to share with the class, though, were I asked, and now, given the events of the day, I'd like to share it with you. It's a short (for me, at least! just three paragraphs) version of my story, simple and direct enough to share with a very mixed-ability group, and distills the elements of how my disability factors into who I am now.

( Read more... )

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Doctor Who Yarn Project: Donna

2012-02-08T15:10:03Z

Materials:

Red bamboo top, a dozen peacock feathers (to be dismembered), purple corriedale wool, purple milk fiber.

Becomes... on the bobbin, the purple/feather single:

Then: 220yds of 2-ply sport ish weight.

The feathers were a real trick to spin - they initially were shedding everywhere and are all over my apartment - but I think I got the hang of it and the ones that remain seem secure (...mostly) in the yarn. When the sun hits the jewel tones of the purple and red, and the blues and greens in the feathers, she really shines.

To see other yarns in this project so far (Jack, Rose), to read blueprints of future ones, or to sponsor your own, check out the relevant blog posts.

The question of special requests (for other characters/elements, and from the older series, especially) has been raised and I am open to it, let's talk! (Note that I do want to do all the Doctors and the TARDIS(es) at some point; still thinking about the best ways to go about it.)

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gizmometer @ 2012-02-06T14:13:00

2012-02-06T19:19:05Z

It took two weeks, but I'm finally over the flu. Sickest I've been in years - fever and all. But I can breathe again!

Good thing too since this morning I taught my first ever movement class. Well, movement with a side of theatre. The VSA runs a HS program called "self-advocacy theatre" for kids with disabilities (read: with IEPs) in their schools' "bridging" program(s), getting ready to transition from highschool. They do performance and arts to explore self-development. I guest taught a dance/movement class and will do it again Friday. :) It seemed to go very well. The kids were all engaged and all participated to the extent of their abilities, some of which are quite limited. I had a moment of panic when we started moving around the space and I could feel the chaos and hubbub rising but I managed to keep everyone (it's about 16 kids, plus aides) focused. And even the shy/quiet kids were smiling and involved by the end of the class. Success!

When I got home it was so warm and sunny out (unseasonable, but, mmm) that we had a quick lunch and went for a nice long stroll by the waterfront. We let our feet dangle over the water and enjoyed the breeze. Then to our surprise a wee furry face peeked out from the jetty and a mink emerged! It scampered around the docks and stones and disappeared. Cute little thing. I hadn't seen one in years.

I was going to be taking dance composition class last weekend and this weekend (with an informal performance on the 11th, my birthday, how fun) but it was cancelled due to low enrollment. :( Well, at least I still have improv lab class, which is great. And I'm determined to make some work anyway. I'll try to schedule some studio time somewhere.

I'm also knitting my first pair of socks. Done a lot of spinning lately. I spun Donna's yarn for the Doctor Who project; I'll post about that a bit later.

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Dear nerdy friends on the internet,

2012-01-31T19:52:05Z

I want to learn about colours.

Specifically, I want to understand why things look the colours they are - I get that it's the wavelength of the light, but what makes it be the frequency that it is? Why is cobalt blue? I remember my professor for college chem explaining why things burn different colours, but I don't know how/why we see the colours we do when there isn't some kind of exciting energetic reaction occurring.

And when we mess with the colour of something, especially permanently, how are we doing it? I've done some fibre dyeing and pottery glazing and I know a little about each (like the involvement of heat and acids in protein fibre dyeing, and oxygenation level and temperature in kilns) but not enough to really get the processes. I want to know how the components interact, not necessarily just why. Why does wool from different breeds of sheep (let alone different species of fibre animal) make the same dyes come out drastically differently? Chemically, physically, how? What components of the water chemistry makes my results different from someone on a different water supply? Why are glazes sludge coloured before firing and colourful and shiny after? How is their final state determined? Why, when I dyed wool red, did it look black for the first hour in the pot, then purple, then a brilliant red (in perfectly clear water) only the morning after, when it had cooled? Why and how does bleach lighten things? And why/how does it make some things change colour rather than lighten? How does oxidation cause drastic colour change (eg. copper pink/green)? How does heat bring out colour - I assume it's putting energy into some sort of reaction, but what, and why does the material attain a new colour as a result? What change happened?

Et cetera.

I did well in the semester of physics that was all about light, though it was a looong time ago now, and in college I did well in my chemistry, so I assume I'm up to understanding the science that drives these things. I also assume that I could do chains of Google and library searches to try to find books and papers about this stuff, but I also also know that I have enough science-nerdy friends that there's a nonzero chance someone will be able to recommend something to read, or somewhere best to start looking. Suggestions?

....this is what happens when nerds take up crafts. I want to know ALL THE THINGS.

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a thinking thing

2012-01-30T20:38:14Z

from Ande, who says: "found via a cooking blog by a Swedish blogger living in Italy. Written by Karin Boyes and translated by David McDuff. "

SMALL THINGS

If you cannot manage one step more,
cannot lift your head,
if you are sinking wearily under hopeless greyness -
then be thankful for the kind, small things,
consoling, childish.
You have an apple in your pocket,
a book of stories there at home -
small, small things, despised
at the time, that radiated living
but gentle footholds during the dead hours.

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Doctor Who Companion Yarns: Jack

2012-01-09T18:17:41Z

Captain Jack Harkness.

Materials -

Dark TARDIS/greatcoat blue merino top
BFL/silk in a blend of aquamarine, navy, ocean green, slate grey
Metallic dove grey thread
Genuine seed pearls

Becomes:
345 yards, 5.55oz, in a light sport weight.

Being mailed out today. Goodbye, Jack! I'll miss you!
(The pearls were not quite as numerous as I'd hoped, so they are sparser than I'd imagined, but they still work, I think.)

For more on yarns proposed for the project, and to sponsor your own, see this post!

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Around Again

2012-01-01T15:51:35Z

Happy New Year, everyone.

Happy 2012, anyway - I celebrate a couple of other 'new year' milestones throughout the calendar year, and this one never feels quite as real. We didn't do much for it; I facepainted yesterday morning (as a volunteer in our local First Night, which I do every year) and then we stayed home, watched some silly TV shows, painted some minis, went to bed early.

I do have some goals ('resolutions', fine) for this calendar year, though, or that I'm embarking into this winter. I've got a lot of exciting things going on - potentially teaching some with the VSA; taking dance composition classes, starting to make my own work; just before Christmas, I entered a contract with a local art gallery/coffeeshop to carry my handspun yarns & handknit/woven/etc pieces; I might be working from home on the local yarn store's online affairs; and I'm still working with the Everyone Can Dance project's choreographer, both to tour the project with the company (if your community wants to make a community dance project, call us!) and in making new work - we showed a brand new duet in December, made and danced by Tiffany and myself, and we got to go on the radio to talk about it and dance and things, which was neat. So I'm working on stitching together something resembling a career in the things that matter to me: art, education, dance. I have the SSI to back me up financially and provide me healthcare, so I can do little bits of things here and there to try to contribute something more to the household, and be personally fulfilled. One of my goals is to not let these threads drop. I will pursue them.

Another goal is to work on/with my body. I want to get into better shape. I want to be stronger. In the last six years I've gained about thirty pounds, some of which I'm sure is muscle but not all. Aesthetically, I have little problem with this. I like the way I look, at least most of the time, which is the most anyone can really ask for. Structurally, it's harder for my body, so I want to work on the strength I need to move me around - gain muscle, lose fat, or whatever. (I know weight loss talk is bothersome to some people; for all that I feel like that's not my goal - my goal is strength and health - I still probably won't post much about this, and I promise not to talk numbers. I don't like the numbers either, and they're not much meaningful in reality.) I have some options available. I have a new PT who actually has experience treating EDS patients; she works at a gym, and is going to help supervise me into regular exercise, swimming mostly, maybe some other things. Right now we're doing some isometrics, working on my weaker regions within my own body's capacity/resistance. So I'll swim. And I'll be dancing more - taking classes once a week. (I've applied for a scholarship for them, but if I don't get it, I can also pay by installment and spread out the cost.) I also want to ride again; even once or twice a month would be enough. I have a lead on affordable lessons, and maybe even affordable lessons in which I could work bareback, which is the most wonderful thing ever for my body. Since I'm hopefully making a wee bit of money, I should be able to afford it. Dance, swimming, and riding are wonderful full-body forms of exercise that *my* body *loves*. If I can make these things regular parts of my life again, I think I will be well on my way to a happier and stronger body. Hunter and I have both been trying to eat healthy things - lots of colours and food groups, working from scratch, that sort of thing - and we're doing pretty well. We cook together, and we're a good team.

Of course another goal is to keep growing and strengthening our relationship, but we're pretty awesome at that. :) I think this year we're going to try to make some more/new friends, too... but that is something of a sad topic, let's skip it.

This might be the year to legally change my name.

Body is not very happy this morning. I think it was the facepainting, since it's mostly my dominant arm. We spent nine days in Maryland over Christmas, visiting with Hunter's family, which was great except the mattress I slept on was an aging coil spring type and it subluxated my everyplace. So it might just be residual issue from that. We did have a great time though - lots of relaxing with his parents, whom I think are pretty great, and reading comic books and mystery novels and eating more chocolate than might be deemed sensible. ;) It was a very pleasant Christmas. We took one day and went into DC to the National Zoo and I got to see their young giant Pacific octopus Pandora! She's super cute.

That's all for now. Hope you all had happy and safe New Year's Eves.

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Doctor Who Companion Yarns

2011-12-02T18:31:38Z

I've dreamt up a number of handspun art yarns inspired by the companions to the Doctor in the modern series. (I'd love to do the Doctors, too, but they're complicated and I haven't solidified their designs yet. I'm also open to the idea of making yarns for characters from the older series; if there's someone in particular you're looking for, let's chat.) They are, if I do say so myself, a fantastic range of yarns. But I can't make them on my own - there are a lot of them, and they call for a lot of diverse materials. I am looking for sponsors! If you choose to sponsor the creation of a yarn, it will be yours to keep (or gift, etc as you wish).

How this works: The design notes below represent a sort of blueprint of how I imagine the yarn inspired by each companion character. They aren't exact, and may be subject to slight changes, especially if particular materials have sold out before the yarn gets sponsored. Once a yarn been sponsored, I will: buy the materials that are still available, source similar replacements for those that are not; assemble them into spinning batts, where necessary; spin the yarn. I'll photograph my work at each stage of this process, and you can receive photo updates if you like. I can then send the yarn directly to you the sponsor, or we can talk about having me knit/crochet/etc something for you from it if you prefer. If it's a hat-sized quantity of yarn, or wristwarmer-sized, which is the bare minimum I'll be aiming for in my purchasing (I expect larger yardages, really, but I can guarantee that minimum), I'll happily knit or crochet you either of those in a simple pattern for no additional charge. Sponsorship prices represent materials only. The reward for me is getting to spin these beauties.

The easiest way to check out examples of my spinning & fiber crafting is on ravelry (my yarns, my projects). You'll need a user account to browse there. You can also see some items on my flickr and on my etsy, where I list other yarns & knitted objects. If you have more questions, just contact me.

I also have an example of a finished yarn in this series, from blueprint to completion. It's Rose, and yes, she's already been claimed and shipped to her new home. See the full photo series here.

This was her blueprint: Rose
Pink (because, I mean, what else) base, like this, maybe blend into a semisolid, like this.
Spice up with soft-soft texture, like this angora
Ply against silk, like this
Scatter champagne-coloured seedbeads throughout, and a handful of indonesian silk coccoons in their natural gold
Result: mostly smooth, tonal pink, soft, with a little shimmer and a little bling. Medium-heavy weight, but bulkier due to spin-ins, probably two wool/angora plies and a silk/bead ply. she'd be stunning.
Cost to sponsor: $60

And this was the result: ~240yds aran/bulky,

( Now on to the rest! )

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an easy tasty versatile food

2011-11-29T00:41:20Z

tomato-onion-feta bake

chop up an onion (a big one). put it in an oven-safe pot, saute with salt, pepper, herbs (oregano, thyme, parsley, for starts), and 5-6 cloves of garlic. 4-5min ish.

chop up three tomatoes. add to pot. turn down heat, simmer and stir occasionally for 20min. oh, and pre-heat your oven to 400deg now.

add 2-3C of shrimp/meat/tofu/whatever. stir that in. top the whole thing with feta (about a cup).

stick it in the oven. 20min, or until the feta is melty and your protein is cooked.

serve on couscous, rice, pasta, whatever strikes yer fancy. i also recommend a nice white wine.

SO TASTY.

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Rose

2011-11-22T16:28:02Z

Rose's yarn is finished.

( in-progress photos )

( finished! )

She looks perfect. Just like the image in my head. I'm kind of amazed. And such a big, squooshy skein - about 240yds, 9oz, 7-8 WPI (bulky/aran weight).

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Companion Yarns

2011-11-14T15:03:41Z

Very excited today as I am embarking on a new spinning project! After hatching the idea some time ago and conspiring back and forth with co-mastermind Bran, I've decided to go for it.

The plan is to spin a set of yarns thematically inspired by (modern) Doctor Who characters, starting with the companions - on the docket are Rose, Martha, Donna, Jack, Amy, Rory, and River, so far. I would like to do the Doctors, of course, but they're Rather Complicated, so I'm still thinking about what their yarns might be. The companions listed already have blueprints drawn up.

The even-more-exciting part of this plan is that I'm not keeping all the squee for myself. I'd like you to get involved - if you can sponsor the creation of a yarn, it or something made from it will be yours, to keep. I just want to spin them! But more on that later.

The real reason I'm here is to tease your socks off with the spinning palette for Rose's yarn; I'll be spinning her first and posting photos of process & progress, so you can see how a spinning blueprint turns into a yarn and then a finished object (which then, yes, will be available).

Her blueprint was:
Pink (because, I mean, what else) base, like this, maybe blend into a semisolid, like this.
Spice up with soft-soft texture, like this angora
Ply against silk, like this
Scatter champagne-coloured seedbeads throughout, and a handful of indonesian silk coccoons in their natural gold
Result: mostly smooth, tonal pink, soft, with a little shimmer and a little bling. Medium-heavy weight, but bulkier due to spin-ins, probably two wool/angora plies and a silk/bead ply. she'd be stunning.

Her palette is:

Let's have a close-up of those silk cocoons, they're just so gorgeous:

'scuse me now, I have spinning to do.

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Unpacking Questions

2011-10-24T23:56:06Z

While buying a few necessities at the grocery store today, I was engaging in friendly small talk with the cashier and my partner, till things suddenly took a turn for the distinctly awkward. The cashier, gesturing to my crutches, says to me - and I quote: "What did you do to yourself to get stuck with those awful things?"

I get questions like this a lot - though I hadn't had one in a while, and I don't usually get all the elements expressed here in a single utterance. Most folks just pick one or two sentiments. (My friend Chris calls these sort of exchanges "bowl of petunias" moments, for the bowl of petunias in the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy books, which when summoned by the improbability drive into orbit around Magrathea, about to crash into the planet, has only time to think: "oh no, not again.") There's so much in the question that needs to be addressed before I can give anything resembling an answer. But the checkout line at the grocery store, when one really just wants to buy a few things and get the heck home to make dinner, is not conducive to long talks deconstructing ableism. And the question hits so many buttons that I have to find the right words to navigate my anger, frustration, and exhaustion while being polite and reasonable enough, to the perfect stranger who initiated it all, that I have the hope of accomplishing anything at all by saying something. Angry, tired retorts don't help change anything, and just make me feel bad for my rudeness afterwards, but not saying anything to address the offense(s) contained in the question makes me feel I've betrayed myself and my people.

In this case, wanting to get home, wanting to not have to explain again to a stranger how wrong they just were, surprised and out of practice, I simply said "Nothing; this is how it is." She was shocked, and came back with "I hope I haven't offended you," another hard one to respond to: because she had, but there was no opportunity to explain why, and without being able to give her context to a "yes", she herself could feel rude and/or hurt - and while I'm not responsible, entirely, for how she feels, I don't believe in an eye for an eye, and I know she's only speaking from within the framework she has been immersed in. I also don't want her to decide dis/ability is completely taboo; I'd rather she think about the assumptions she made and the effect they can have. So, I said to her, "Well, I get it a lot," which is true, even if lately I've been luckier (or more of a recluse…). I'm hoping that - if she thinks about the interaction at all after - this helps hint her towards the larger picture of bias and assumption about dis/ability in the world she lives in, and how they play out in the lives of dis/abled people… in things as simple as small talk at a cash register.

It has so many common elements to questions I've heard a million times now - even in the scant handful of years I've been 'out' or visible as dis/abled. I'm going to try to draw each one out and address where it comes from and why it doesn't work. Where I can, I'll suggest alternatives. Maybe you've wondered the same things, about me or about someone else, or maybe you've had these questions asked of you, to your frustration/confusion/sighs. I hope this helps. I don't get the chance to explain this all to everyone who asks - I have a life, too, and places to go, and other demands on my time/energy - but conceptually, I want to think about it, I want others to think about it, I want to tell it, I want people to know.

(I'm going to do some generalising, based on my experience, studies, and conversations with others, but take it with the caveat that individual experience of course may vary. I'll try to speak for myself, from my experience, primarily.)

( Unpacking )

(this post being crossposted to facebook too)

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Thinking of a future, any future, pick a future between 1 and 10

2011-09-18T13:59:14Z

The past week or so has been really exciting for me in terms of my possible futures. I'm feeling optimistic again, which is really exciting. I'd had some nebulous goals and ideas, especially following the AXIS Intensive which reaffirmed my desire to make dance a vital component, but I was feeling adrift, lost, stressed. Suddenly things are - well, not necessarily happening, but allowing potential for happening. I'm almost nervous to talk about them, like I could jinx them somehow.

One of the things I knew coming out of AXIS was that I had to leave GIMP. This may sound backwards to you all - I want to do more dance so I need to quit the company I dance with? But AXIS was a very different experience than GIMP is. It's formulated on an entirely different structure, with different values and methods. I worked as hard or harder than I have for GIMP, for 6-8 hours a day for a week, and didn't hurt myself or break down and cry or anything. I had so much fun. I was full of joy in movement, the way I remember dance being. I get the performance high with GIMP but the process doesn't work for me. It's a traditional professional nondisabled company model, with all that entails, that now includes some disabled dancers. This isn't a step towards equality; rather, it encourages and reinforces hierarchical (with the crips on the bottom) and ableist dynamics. Disability - and all that entails, emotionally and politically and even some ways physically - is expected to be set aside in favour of dance, rather than being built into the understanding of dance. HL and I don't work well together, really, either; she's a very confrontational, shout-it-out, speak-before-thinking type and I'm just not. So while I love the piece and I think it performs an important function, and I've loved performing in it and bringing it to new audiences and showing them myself as a dancer, and while I've learned a huge amount about myself and dance and, sheesh, everything, I can't do it. I spend too much time injured and crying and it's not fair for me or for the company.

So I've left.

Well, I'm not gone yet. I gave my notice, basically. We have a gig in Pittsburgh in October and I'll be performing there. After that, I'm done. I was super scared to resign. I talked to one of the other cast members for advice though and she was supportive. So this past week, I did it. I was afraid to answer my phone or check my email afterwards, for fear there'd be Confrontation And Drama, but actually, it went as well as I could have hoped. HL responded with a kind and thoughtful email thanking me for my contributions and my honesty and agreeing that my decision makes sense. Additionally, it looks like Pitts might be our last performance regardless of what decision I'd made (which actually makes me glad I made it myself, first, for my own self-care purposes, building my own strength). The cast are scattering over the continent and it's getting harder and harder to pull a cast together when needed, and we're being booked less. So, after three years or so since its launch, it looks like GIMP may retire. RIP.

But what now, for dance?

Well, again as of just this week ish, I have some answers maybe. Possibilities, at least.

Last winter/spring I danced with Tiffany Rhynard's BIG APE; I must have posted about that at least a little. Maybe not? (I'd wanted to be able to show you all some video but the plan just didn't work out. Sad face.) It was a great project called Everyone Can Dance. What she did was she took a core company of eight dancers and recruited another thirty+ community members in an area - she did shows in Burlington, Montpelier, and Middlebury. I was a Burlington recruit. The community members ranged from about 8-65 in age, all different levels of dance experience, different abilities and body types, different racial/ethnic and class backgrounds, different levels of fluency in English, even. Hugely diverse. Then, in about eight rehearsals (!!), we made a show. There were some pre-set sections for company members, some frameworks lightly pre-choreographed for community, and then all-new pieces we made collaboratively. The show in the end was about an hour long and it was great. I really mean that. And then she did Montpelier, and then Middlebury. For Middlebury I was invited back to participate a second time, which I did very happily, and it was an even better show. (I did my first-ever choreography for it!)

I also got to see Tiffany's process evolve from show to show, which was great. She really learned and grew. This is one thing I like about working with her - she learns and changes and adapts; she listens to feedback and incorporates it. The other thing I love is she's relaxed and all about fun. The incredibly short period in which we took nearly 40 people to make a full evening performance could have been a stress madhouse. It never was. It was full of laughing and smiling. It was, more often than not, chaos - or it appeared to be. And it worked. Out of all the individual agencies and chaotic whole we grew something; the show emerged organically, different each time, from each group's process. And we were proud of it and we loved it and we did a damn good job. And we smiled. Did I mention that? We had the time of our lives.

Tiffany's looking to take this show on the road, literally. She wants to compact the process and take a (smaller) core touring to other communities to build pieces with them. And, she wants not only to do a show in these communities, but use the process to help set up resources to connect people with dance, and make available dance resources accessible to everyone. She emailed me asking if I'd like to be a part of this new core group. Would I ever!!!

We got together last weekend to see a local dance show (interesting modern works, I cannot even begin to describe; Claire Byrne and Heidi Henderson) and have coffee and chat. We talked for like two hours and it was great. We talked about the ECD project and how to make it succeed in different communities, what its strengths are and how to use it as a community tool (it basically already is one, so this is just an extension of its existing functions).

We also talked about dance more generally... lots of great things happened in this conversation but the upshot is that Tiffany is interested in continuing to make work with me, maybe a solo?, and we're going to get some dates together for this fall and start exploring that. Hopefully I'll be able to go down to Middlebury to take dance classes there (they're free, at the college, which is where Tiffany works) and combine that with studio time with her. It'd also give me a chance to pursue some of my own dance goals: I want to choreograph. I want to make work. I talked to Tiffany a bit about what I'm interested in right now, which is mainly duets, relationships. (The crutches have impacted me a lot in that realm; they're me, but not me, so we have a relationship, they and I, in some ways being a duet ourselves; with other people, they impact interaction, change the ways I can touch and connect; and other people relate to them and me in different ways, too. I got to explore this a little with AXIS, and I want more.) I'd like to make one with the young woman I choreographed with for the ECD: Midd performance last spring, who's a dance student there still. And that might happen.

There are a bunch of large obstacles to pursuing dance independently (Big APE aside). AXIS illuminated for me how much I want/need to do so, what it does for my soul, but then I had to come to terms with how hard it is. I need access to classes - ok, I can do some of that locally, but they're expensive; I can travel a short distance and get them cheaper, but there's transport issues and costs. Ideally I would learn from and have access to other dis/abled dancers and companies, and that's not going to happen (much) locally. The trip I made to do the AXIS thing was incredibly expensive, and the workshop cost was actually covered for me by scholarship. Other companies are even further away; there are great companies internationally, here and there. There just isn't a lot. How to reach it? Okay, let's stay local: even locally, I need studio space to work in. I need people to work with. And eventually I need some sort of venue (and then to be able to promote, etc...) if I want to perform. If I want to teach/educate with dance, there's curriculum development, and then there's finding people to work with/on, and just... a lot of research and development. Or should I work towards auditioning for AXIS or a similar company? Could I sustain that kind of involvement, and would leaving VT be an acceptable price?

At least some of these problems have potential solutions now.

A little over a week ago, I finally got the decision from my Social Security hearing. It's "partially favourable". What this means is that my SSI application was approved, as the government has decided that I really am disabled; my SSD was not, because (frustratingly) I don't have medical evidence (due to poor providers, largely) to prove disability as of my "date last insured", ie. the last date I was able to work any decent amount. Why I have to prove I was too disabled to work as of the last time I was working, well... that's the US for you?

Anyway. I went to see the benefits counselor at VR about what this all means. (Note: I don't have my cold hard awards statement from SS yet, I have an appointment to go talk in person with them next week in which that should happen, so there's a chance this can all still go pearshaped but hopefully the judge's decision does what it should and things happen.) It's actually way better news than my legal rep had implied. SSI will cover my needs. I cannot stress what a relief this is. It means I can fuel the car and pay my bills and buy food and, with the backpayments from two years' appeals, maybe even have a savings account for the first time since I was a teenager. It also comes with guaranteed Medicaid, which in VT is actually pretty good, and which is structured in such a way that I am basically always guaranteed healthcare - even if I am able to work at some point, there are provisions to help me retain Medicaid since I am legally classified as disabled now. And, since all the work I do lately is self-employment, there are some great incentives in the SSI program to encourage that without cutting me off and jeopardising my stability. I'll have a small rent increase, but this will be accounted for in my payments. (Though not entirely as result of the SSI process,) my student loans, another nightmare, can be deferred practically indefinitely or someday forgiven entirely. I might be financially stable, guys. I might be able to self-support. H has been helping me out but it puts a huge emotional strain on me/us to be dependent, and it means he can't really save for the future either. This is... it's massive. I might have cried a little.

(oh, $deity, please don't let it find some way to go wrong even now. I have the court decision. Let that work the way the benefits counselor promises me it should.)

(and this means, everyone, that if you didn't already, you'll now know someone who's being given a new chance at a stable and meaningful life courtesy one of the stigmatised and scorned "entitlement programs" that are so under fire lately...)

The benefits counselor also told me some things my original VR counselor never did, about VR's support programs for self-employment (even in the arts!) or financial support for medical or other equipment that supports employment. There's a chair in my future and I've been fretting over how I'll afford that, but it might be okay, with Medicaid and VR. But more excitingly, VR will support arts careers for disabled folk. I might be able to get funding, travel, or equipment assistance to study and work doing dance. I have to email my old counselor to find out, but I'm cautiously hopeful. I don't know that I could get them to send me, say, to New Zealand or Israel or the UK, where some of the fab companies are, but local classes, permaybehaps? Ideally I'd build into my plan not just performance but using dance as an educational/community tool - eg. developing workshops that use movement/dance to help participants experience their own bodily diversities and engage with each others'.

Between that and developments with Tiffany... I'll be keeping dance in my future, yes please. I have some more detailed potential plans for myself, but I think I'll keep those quiet just now as they are nascent and tender. More if they can develop.

Also this past week I've had some really pleasant and exciting reconnections with lovely people and that's been just a delight.

Oh, and I'm interviewing for a very part-time position (1 maybe 2 days a week tops) at my favourite local yarn store.

So it's been a great, exciting week, all in all. Mind-blowingly. I feel like for once I might be getting my feet under me.

Here's to the futures.

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AXIS

2011-08-19T11:51:18Z

I realised I didn't post about this.

Despite no little anxiety about going, I did get myself to the AXIS Intensive in California, and it was a phenomenal, wonderful, affirming, life-changing experience. I danced for six to eight hours (not continuously) a day without exhausting myself beyond function or *any* injury. I met 40-ish basically all amazing other dancers and made several new friends. I learned a zillion new techniques, including how to structure/approach dance so that even bodies like mine can do lots of it. And I was safe and happy, in a safe and happy environment, doing things I loved.

That's the story, for the most part. I have personal journal notes on what we actually did and how it worked and why it worked, and what I want to take with me into the future; I also have some ideas about future plans for dance in my life, though I'm not sure how to enact them. I'm never sure if anyone actually reads these things though, so I won't spend the next half-to-hour typing it all up unless you have questions, I guess.

Also I finally got to see Ben again, and that was good too. :)

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selling my handmades again -

2011-07-24T17:38:39Z

check 'em out. (bonus: things bought in the next few days will help me out during my trip to California for the AXIS integrated dance summer intensive!)

handspun yarn, hand-knit objects, and sewn creations - more to come.

Etsy
gizmometry

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Craftin' stuff roundup

2011-06-29T19:44:51Z

In between trips, H's moving in, and everything else that's gone on, I've really been enjoying quiet time to myself at home. Doing lots of knitting and spinning. Larger projects are put on hold until we can find the (*#&!@# hardware for H's bedframe and get his mattress out of the living room and into the bedroom - it's really huge and heavy and without the frame set up, the only place we have room for it is... in the middle of the living room.

I realised I haven't posted anything much about my crafting here, and I have a bunch of yarns and objects to show you. Let's do a photo roundup!

( Starting with handspun & things knit from mine )

( Non-handspun knits, including design projects )

And that's the lot! Quite a few things, since last December or whenever it was.

I realise I never wrapped up the Germany trip, and many interesting things did happen, so perhaps I must revisit that, and the whole subject of dance and tour could use updating. But not here/now.

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Germany

2011-06-11T08:09:40Z

My first international tour!

It's a bit of a whirlwind - we flew overnight and got in Thursday morning; had a rehearsal Thursday afternoon, and tech/dress/performance yesterday, Friday. Today we have off, and we fly out again tomorrow morning.

We're at the Crossings Dance Festival in Dusseldorf, hosted by a German mixed-ability company, as part of a disability/mixed-ability focused weekend. Our show kicked things off, which is neat in many ways, but unfortunate in others, since it means we're actually leaving before half the cool stuff happens - there are workshops Sunday and Monday, but none Friday and only one Saturday. Today's workshop is a three-hour Contact Improv thing hosted by the Israeli company who are here; I'm going to try to attend, though I'm pretty sore today. I might trade off dancing/babywatching, since one of my fellow cast has the most adorable 16mo baby ever (she's learning to talk, can say names - I'm "Obi" - and sing the tune to Frere Jacques, and is just damn adorable and sweet and makes me want a baby) and wants to participate but needs someone to watch the kiddo. There's also a Senegalese company performing tonight, whom I'm quite excited to see, as the vast majority of them are on sticks like me (!!). I spoke with some of them last night - to the best of our abilities, since there's quite a language barrier - and I think we are friends now. There's definitely an interest in mixing & sharing ideas.

Our show went fine. Some stupid technical issues (lighting/sound) that shouldn't have happened. Biiiiig stage meant some oddities for dancing, but mostly great for me, since crutches take up lots of room and I can cover a lot of ground. Not my best performance, I'd say, but nothing bad about it. Perfectly okay show.

On the less positive side, I had my first query about "faking" (presented, by this person, versus "needing"). I understand how people can get this idea - and honestly I'm surprised no one's brought it up to me sooner - but it still makes me sad, this idea that if I can move well and beautifully with the crutches, they're obviously unnecessary (and not contributing to those ways I am moving).

Jet-lag-wise I was pretty much a wreck for Thursday (I didn't sleep on the plane) - crying, etc, couldn't rehearse (or move, hardly) because I was so subluxatey, and the pain and exhaustion had me on emotional overload*, and I'd had no way to check in with people back home - but HL was surprisingly gentle with me, has been all this week, and so I took it easy, and slept twelve hours that night, and was fine for Friday. The rest of the company had a bit of a harder time of it, didn't sleep like I did, were jet-lagged yesterday. Travel does wreck me right proper but at least once I crash I reset.

Hadn't travelled internationally in ages, though. Forgot about things like "bring an alarm clock" and that I wouldn't be able to use my phone (and thus should bring, say, a phone card, and a camera) and I didn't bother to get a converter ahead of time and should have. Oh well, live and learn/remember. It's weird being somewhere I don't speak any of the language (unusual for me in previous travels), but at least nearly everyone speaks English, and we can make do.

I was in New York for about a week prior to our trip to Germany - it was hot, busy, but reasonably uneventful, once I got there. The train down was replaced for 4-5hrs by bus due to track problems (in part caused by the tornado we had?!), and my housing was totally cobbled together last-minute, but it did work out in the end. And I wasn't as out of shape from my two months off as I had feared; if anything I was stronger, which is a kind of deeply affirming thing, that rest makes me stronger, is not laziness, making me weaker.

Oh, and the weather in New York was like being in an oven (except while I was staying out on Staten Island, which was much more tolerable and comfortable in basically every way, and, hey, ferry!), but the weather here in Dusseldorf is gorgeous, cool, a little rainy but mostly sun. I can hear birds out my window... it's nice.

* I have realised very clearly this week the effect pain has on me emotionally: it axes my filter. I feel everything incredibly strongly and have no recourse, no way to manage or re-route. Anger, fear, loneliness, depression - super powerful. (I'm not sure if good emotions would do the same. They tend to be in a bit of a shortage in serious-pain situations.) I think this is why, also, HL always likes my solo in the show better when I'm scared/hurting/crying - intense emotions, and revealed in a way I prefer not to show, which, hey, instant vulnerability, which is what she wants. Working on manufacturing that without the emotional overload. ;)

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